What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?  Tennish

I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Parallel lines have so much in common.  It's a shame they'll never meet.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey

I tried to catch fog yesterday.  I mist. 

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?  It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain

People say I'm condescending.  That means I talk down to people

Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that